Why Men Hate Astrology and Why Mercury in Retrograde Doesn't Give A Damn

By Sola Onitiri

Do I even need to start this with #NotAllMen. I don't right? Good.

Happy Mercury in retrograde ladies and germs. Are you ready for the onslaught of misfortune coming to a personal life near you? If you are not a straight cis man, chances are, you'll be fine. Even when you loose your keys or send an accidental snarky text, you know what is happening, because you've gone through this before. There's comfort in a working understanding of astrology. And this is a comfort that staunch astrology-atheists are forfeiting.

For those of you none believers, let's break down Mercury in retrograde shall we. Mercury in retrograde is both an astrological AND astronomical phenomenon. Astronomically, retrograde is where Mercury appears to be on a reversed course in an opposite west to east (as opposed to east to west) direction. Obviously, that's not what's happening. It's more of an optical illusion than anything because Mercury is just going around the sun at a slower speed than we are. Astrologically, this is a bad omen of sorts. Much like any other sort of illusion or mirage, this causes confusion.

So, next time you get the scoff from an astrology-atheist, you know the scoff that I'm referring to. It comes immediately after asking a man his sign so you know if you're about to date YET ANOTHER GEMINI, despite your best efforts. "Do you really believe in that stuff," he inquires like you've asked him what Santa is going to get him for Christmas. You are then required to give a dissent on why you identify as a fire sign. He'll remain unconvinced as he drops his new iPhone in a pint of beer and unknowingly gives off the wrong impression. Anyway, next time you get that scoff, sprinkle a little science in there.

But what is at the core of this astrology heresy? I did the minimum amount of research and the maximum amount of conjecture to develop these theories.

It's Not Macho Enough

Astrology is not marketed for men. There's no motorcycle riding, sandalwood and leather smelling, New England IPA'd branded version of astrology. Despite astrology not being gendered, men are convinced that it's full of yaaas girls and waxing advice.

A Lack of Control isn't "Practical"

Being practical is a quality that dudes pride themselves on. They have wet dreams about how cold and calculating they can be. Emotional responses are not just a no-no, they're invalid. Instead, their pragmatism stems from the need to control every and all situations. And if it can't be controlled, it must be discredited for the sake of their egos. Men believe that they are in control of every aspect of their lives - astrology is a reminder that they are stone cold wrong.

It Requires Mindfulness

On that vein, let's talk about how there are different degrees of believing in astrology. This is an argument that non-believers (ahem men) refuse to acknowledge. Not every person who reads their horoscope writhes around in nothing but healing crystals on the full moon. For most people, horoscopes are a way to self-reflect. This is not a quality that most men posses. Because, if you're in control of everything, why would you need to reflect on it right?

Being a none believer doesn't make you Better It makes you a bad time

No matter the reason, not believing in horoscopes is the equivalent of teasing a girl because she's cold. It's said as a joke, but it's meant to point out that some guy in jorts feels that he's superior to women in intellect and body temperature. Newsflash: It doesn't.

Astrology is kind of like Global Warming - you don't need to believe in it for it to have an effect on you. Mercury in Retrograde will affect the people around you, hence affecting you. So why not arm yourself with the most knowledge possible?